flowlikewater | ic contact

Yeah, I remember you mentioning that. [He mutters ryely, giving Genji a look that's somewhat unreadable as well. Honestly, he has no idea where they stand and he doubts the cyborg does either.] Just because you save the blade for people worth the effort doesn't make you a hero, y'know.

[But.. he pauses, and sighs.]

I told this to Reaper, he figured it was stupid. But it's.. insight, I guess. Back home, my boss was in charge of New York City. People were afraid to even say my name too loudly. If I walked into a room, people froze; they'd throw themselves at my feet or beg to sleep with me just to gain favor. It's the best life I've ever lived - I was a god, and I didn't even have to put the work into thinking for myself. But out here, I'm just... some asshole. I don't know what to do with myself, I don't know how to behave or... treat people right. And I don't know how to get that power back. I never did it on my own.

I guess my point is I wanna try being more like you. You seem... y'know. At peace.

I do not claim to be. [ It's said simply enough. ] Just a better man than before.

[ Genji at least genuinely listens to all that he has to say. The mention of Reaper, it's hard not to wince. And Dodger's story could very well be a crock, a fiction to attempt to get in his good graces but—

It's not like Genji lets his past be used as a weapon against him anyway. ]

I think part of attaining peace is figuring out a way to live without needing that power anymore. [ He huffs and turns back to look at the gently flowing river. ]

I was the second son of the greatest criminal empire in Japan, you see. People fell over themselves to attain my family's favor or out of fear. I could do what I wanted, when I wanted and with who I wanted.

[ He shrugs and looks back at him. ] It's quite lonely though. Isn't it?

[Dodger nods quietly.]

Up at the top, there was just me and Augustine. And I figure he would've stabbed me in the back the moment I stopped being useful. I wasn't family, y'know, I was just... convenient. Helpful. He took me in when no one else cared, I owed him whatever he asked. It was kinda romantic.

[He glances at Genji, before returning his gaze to the river.]

Every once in a while, I meet someone that sees some good in me. And I always end up using them and throwing them aside, but sometimes they stick around anyway. And it was... nice, knowing Shigeru would be there waiting for me whenever I dragged myself out of some alleyway after a bad fight. But it's empty. And it hurts him. It's just being alone, with another person next to me.

[He grimaces.]

I never felt bad for hurting someone until I came here. But I've been taking things that are perfect and- crushing them. By being me. Shigeru isn't the only person I hurt that badly, not by... a long shot. I thought I just wasn't built for being good, but it wouldn't hurt me if I didn't care, right?

[ If this is some plot, it's certainly elaborate. He supposes... he'll be that fool that he knows his brother probably still thinks he is and believe he is genuine. For now.

He reaches behind his head and undoes the airlock on his helmet, removing it with a hiss and rush of air. Genji's expression is muted, but the scars on his face appear deeper. ]

I was family. You can see how that ended.

[ ...and well, at least he said it so Genji didn't have to. He works his synthetic jaw, it clicking where it's hinged against flesh. ]

One has to hit rock bottom before they can be better sometimes. And pain is just the start of something that eventually heals, isn't it? I think...

[ He tilts his head a little at you, Dodger. His haggard brows knit together. ]

You are not wrong. If you are now aware of the pain you can cause, then that is a better place to be than before. A starting point.

[The sight of Genji's face is curious, and he's silent for a long while as he takes it in. Then he laughs quietly, and makes a grand gesture with his scarred arm.]

Seems like we got a lot in common, huh.

[He shrugs lightly, shifting his posture to fall back and prop himself up with his elbows, looking for all the world like he's spending the day with a close friend.]

Pain turns into scars. And scars are lessons. Each one is a reminder of a mistake you can't afford to make again. [He tips his head back, watching the sky as he speaks.] Why haven't you asked Shigeru to fix you up? He gave me a new eye when I lost one, I figure he could bring your body back.

[ He supposes Dodger's never really seen his face, especially up close. That gets a hoarse little chuckle out of him. ]

I suppose we do.

[ He watches his posture change and Genji shifts himself, putting his helmet next to him on the grass. He's still not letting his guard down, but he also doesn't really ever fully let it down as it is.

Dodger's question isn't a surprising or strange one either. He shrugs his shoulders lightly and reaches up to tap at the metal around his chin. ]

There is not enough of my organic body left. It would be far too arduous of a task. [ A pause as he looks up at the sky himself. ] And I simply do not want to. I am 'better' in this body, physically and mentally. I wouldn't know what to do if I lost it.

[ He pauses again and looks down, his cheeks moving as he licks his teeth with his tongue. His expression shifts to where it's like he's sharing a deep, dark secret with him. ] If anything, maybe fix my jaw. You know how annoying it is that food barely has a taste?

[I'm better in this body.

He can't relate, not exactly, but it does resonate with him. It's the same reason he'd kept his scars, the cataracts in his eye, every other imperfection he could easily have fixed if he really wanted to. But he's always considered it best to keep a record of what's real, when his mind is so broken and prone to hallucinations.

Maybe that isn't a problem. Maybe he just needs to change the way he thinks about it a bit.]

Figured a mechanical jaw would be good. More blowjob stamina.

[Well, Dodger is still Dodger at the end of the day.]

[ If there is one thing Dodger is fantastically good at apparently, it is ruining a moment. But Genji can't even be mad or even offended by the comment. He just snorts dully, rolling his pale eyes. ]

Oh, you know me. Line out the door every morning for it.

[ He scratches at a scar on his cheek a moment. ]

The enhanced stamina in general is definitely a plus though. [ A pause. ] But you didn't find me here to exchange innuendo, surely.

Much as I love hearing about what Shigeru's getting on the side, nah.

[Though it does ruffle him a bit, thinking about that part of things. He's bonding with someone who's romantically entangled with the same man as him... which gives as many opportunities for learning about Shigeru as it does for fantasizing about crushing that metal jaw in his hands.

Chances are, the peaceful road will go far smoother in the long run.]

How do you do that meditation shit? I mean, there's a trick to it, right? Some kinda mantra or.. y'know, something? [He hesitates.] I mean, it'd be good not to... blow my lid whenever something pisses me off. Think rationally and all.

[ Ugh, he's not going to say anything to that. Dodger has no bearing on his feelings and relationship with Shigeru anyway... besides, he'd much rather the man be more peaceful himself. ]

It's a process. And it can't be done in one afternoon either. [ He puts his hands down on the grass. It might be turning a tad bit greener than it was before after a few minutes. ]

I spent years in an Omnic monastery in Nepal. That's not exactly an option for you, I'd say. But I can give... tips. If you are open to it.

I'm used to training. If you wanna try your hand at teaching me, I'm open. [He shrugs.] So. What've you got for tips.

[Honestly, Dodger has a 3rd grade education at best. He's not even sure Nepal exists in his world, or Genji's for that matter. Might just be a mystical made-up place to sound holistic. Omnic definitely doesn't sound like a real word.]

[ He cards his fingers through the grass that seems a little thicker all of a sudden. ]

It is as much about accepting the wrongs that were done to you as accepting that you have done harm to others.

[ He doesn't have to know, but Genji assumes Dodger has had some rather less than stellar things happen in his life to get him to this point. He knows his own circumstances at least. ]

And being able to take a step back and analyze what you feel before you lash out in anger. [ The 'you' is a universal one. This is something Genji has gone through himself. ]

[He pauses, and then falls back to sink into the grass. Idly, he notes that Genji's zen ass bullshit seems to even be making the plants around him happier... but really, it just serves to make something in the back of his mind that much more spiteful about the man.

He closes his eyes, and without even trying he can visualize the moment before he loses his cool. It's the most familiar feeling in the world, right up there with breathing and swallowing. That moment that the match is struck, just before someone sets him off, is almost like a cold moment of clarity...]

You even remember what it's like to lash out like that, Shimada?

Edited (MY POST WASN'T FINISHED...) 2018-03-08 01:58 (UTC)

I do. [ He looks at him. ] It wasn't that long ago, in the scheme of things. Reyes never told you stories about me, then?

[ The man had to pry him off of people and sedate him more times than he could count. ]

I was hardly a pillar of mental health before I got this body. I didn't take to it well.

Reyes did everything in his power to keep me from learning about you. I figure that meant he liked you.

[His tone immediately turns somber, thinking about Reaper. He hadn't even found out the man had gone home until... well, over a month after his disappearance. After Widowmaker and Sombra had both found their way back home. He guesses that means he's been healthier, if the dwindling presence of Overwatch and the Eluvio's crew had such a small effect on him.]

I loved that man, y'know. It was unhealthy, sure. He was disgusted with it. But he made me happy. Just those- small moments, when I saw his face under his mask, or he put his claws on me. Felt like everything was right again. Like I got so close to whatever I'm missing here.

[He seems like he's going to say something else, but he shakes his head and glances at Genji.]

I think you'll like what he did say about you, though - said whatever I had planned, if I thought I could get a leg up on you without getting myself hurt, I was a bigger idiot than I made myself out to be.

[ Genji lets out a hum in response. ] I think finding me here reminded him too much of who he was.

[ Now that's interesting and not terribly surprising either. Genji has seen a bit of his younger self in Dodger and he was much the same; desperate for real affection, too arrogant and stubborn to admit it. Genji himself never had much of an Authority Figure Crush on Reyes, but he knew plenty of people did. It wasn't hard. Tall, handsome, talented, deadly guy like that... Reaper, on the other hand though. Similar yet so different, an echo of the man Genji respected and would have followed into hell. ]

Reyes was the first man with authority over me I ever ended up respecting. I never told him that when he was 'alive' though. Reaper isn't really the man that used to be my commander.

[ He chuckles a little at that last part. He can't deny a faint little swell of pride in his chest. ]

He was always very confident in his ability to train us ingrates.

Guess he gave up, when he died... I guess if I was alive against my will I wouldn't wanna be babysitting either.

[He does wilt a bit, though, at the same moment that Genji seems to swell.]

Iunno if he didn't wanna put in the effort, or.. he just figured I was a lost cause. But he could've killed me loads of times and didn't, so that's gotta count for something, right? [He hesitates.] I even kissed him, and he let me live. Fuck knows why.

[Probably because Dodger was right from the beginning; Reaper isn't a villain. He's not a heartless psychopath like the sort of people Dodger hangs around, and that had confused Dodger for months until he started spending all his time around people that weren't the forgotten dregs of society. Now it seems... too late, to be realizing it.]

That's the problem, though, isn't it. I've never been on my own this long. I got- passed from hand to hand, growing up, always stuck by someone until it blew up on me and I had to move on. And- Reaper got pissed at me for it all the time, that I didn't know how to take care of myself, I kept expecting someone else to clean up my messes and tell me what to do, and... set rules and shit. I can live for someone else, sure, but not.. the kinda people that come through the portal. Not people like... Reaper... or... Shigeru.

One could argue I'm alive against my will too, when you think about it. [ It's just sort of a non-statement, a curious thought. Genji gets a little grimmer suddenly, mouth setting into a line with a click. ]

I grieved for that man. I'm not sure I can ever forgive him for that.

[ He listens to Dodger's little backstory, interested. He is still not very surprised and still finds himself understanding it to an extent. Genji had been nothing without the clan, without his family's influence. His father spoiled him and got him out of every scrape imaginable... and then Father was gone and he was a disgrace overnight. ]

Learning to understand kindness is enough of a lesson in and of itself. And having to face the consequences to your actions for the first time is sobering indeed.

[ He huffs. ] That does not surprise me though. Reyes was always good at training helplessness out of people.

[ Another pause. ] I know that Shigeru is rather an elephant in the room for us...

[He grunts in response, silent for a while as he stews in all this new information. Funny... he used to love information, but learning so much about himself makes his skin crawl.]

I'm not getting rid of you, am I. [He sighs.] Last time I tried to get Shigeru to ditch you, he almost killed me. So, I'm done causing you trouble - even I know better than to start a fight I already lost.

[Do you, Dodger. Do you really.]

I know Shigeru's already yours. Just- we never ended what we.. have. So.

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