[ these aren't things that Hanzo has ever thought, not once in his life. it always broke his heart to have to turn Genji away, or to be told he couldn't join his brother because he should be filling his time with lessons and training. but those things were necessary. the family had to take priority over what he wanted — it did, for so long that Hanzo stopped wanting anything, doesn't remember now what it feels like to want.
he can't keep up with this. he doesn't know what to say, but he can't just stand here and listen to Genji say these things. they aren't true. Hanzo was raised as he had to be; Father understood that, and he made sure that Hanzo would be the best he could possibly be.
(something about it hurts, though. sits in his chest like a splinter, uncomfortable in a way he can't put his finger on.) ]
Enough. [ he puts a hand over his eyes, and his voice is thin, reedy. he's shaking. ] Do you understand now? I am not— Whatever you want from me, I cannot... [ a deep, shuddering intake of breath. ] Genji. Little brother, please. I am begging you.
[ he wants to die. it's never been an option before, while Genji was dead and Hanzo had to be the one to carry the weight of the guilt and the memories because the clan would not. but now Genji is here, and for the first time, Hanzo is terribly aware of the feeling that he does not want to be alive. ]
no subject
[ these aren't things that Hanzo has ever thought, not once in his life. it always broke his heart to have to turn Genji away, or to be told he couldn't join his brother because he should be filling his time with lessons and training. but those things were necessary. the family had to take priority over what he wanted — it did, for so long that Hanzo stopped wanting anything, doesn't remember now what it feels like to want.
he can't keep up with this. he doesn't know what to say, but he can't just stand here and listen to Genji say these things. they aren't true. Hanzo was raised as he had to be; Father understood that, and he made sure that Hanzo would be the best he could possibly be.
(something about it hurts, though. sits in his chest like a splinter, uncomfortable in a way he can't put his finger on.) ]
Enough. [ he puts a hand over his eyes, and his voice is thin, reedy. he's shaking. ] Do you understand now? I am not— Whatever you want from me, I cannot... [ a deep, shuddering intake of breath. ] Genji. Little brother, please. I am begging you.
[ he wants to die. it's never been an option before, while Genji was dead and Hanzo had to be the one to carry the weight of the guilt and the memories because the clan would not. but now Genji is here, and for the first time, Hanzo is terribly aware of the feeling that he does not want to be alive. ]